imperator-antea

Think of an awfully obsessive fangirl who managed to keep herself away from videogames for 25 years in order not to get completely lost in other worlds.
That's it. 25 and playing SW Knights of the Old Republic.
And I'm doomed.
I mean, it's even Legends.
Now I'll think I am Revan for MONTHS.

I should be writing my 2nd cycle degree thesis, but in the meantime... I'm so dooomed.

I love my life. Expecially the one I live in a galaxy far, far away

Lol lol all fo this is so hilarious!

It's been a bad, low period for me. It's been like this for far too long. And as you all may know, I'm not the kind of person who stands up and reacts. I'm the kind of person who lays low, moans, cries by herself, like a pathetic, angsty idiotic useless pile of flesh. So I decided to celebrate, for I'm pretty old now, but I'm still the same as I used to be 10 years ago, and still got nothing but mental films in my life. I'll celebrate by writing a perfect contemporary journal entry using my old entries. I'm not only a collage of what I've been before, but I'm the Youtube Poop of myself. Rofl.  (Feb 13, 2017)

I'm back to my dear own state of mind.
So happy for this.
Still obsessed. (Oct 13, 2009)

 
"To know the truth lying within the name of the "Renegade". To be a stranger at home, stranger outside; stranger in the city, rejected, superfluous. 
Then, there's another Outside. Where everybody is a stranger to his neighbour, where everyone is indifferent or enemy to their neighbour. Where everything's clear in its fearful bluntness.
Out there, Jackal.  Run... Run Outside, under the Sun or under the Foliage, because in the world there's still a place for you, like for everyone else... except for Humans." (Jackal)


People disappoint me. I disappoint people. Working is always heartless, this way. I miss the mud. I miss the mud. I miss the mud.
My home is closing its doors in my face, and I know it's right. So bad.
I miss the mud. (Oct 24, 2012)

How does it feel when you realize the path you've been walking for all your life leads nowhere? 
....It doesn't feel at all. You just are not. Not what you're supposed to be. Not what you thought you were. Nothing. Living eukaryote breathing through oxygen putting out CO2 and all the rest while your cells live better than you, without even asking. Without even anything. They will eventually die but this has nothing to do with them. My death, instead, has everything to do with me. So what? I'm not 24 years old, that's it. That's all. I'm not. Just... not.
And life in the city makes me an even worse person. Matching me with all I cannot have, do, be. Damnit. 
I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm excited, I'm low, I'm overexcited, I'm frustrated, I'm angsty and then I'm so much happy and feelings make me even crazier. Fuck, whatever. Should get a job instead. Should get away. Far, in the distance. Escape. Forest. Trees. I. Am. Disgusting. Became what I thought I'd become... but I thought I was playing. Didn't realize I was doing it with my own life. Children shouldn't be allowed to play. Starting to think the devil must have heard me while talking to myself. Children should not be allowed to spend all that time by themselves. (Dec 3, 2012)

Actually, another identity crisis period or whatever. My Es has all the control from 8.oo pm to next morning, and nights are so full of rage and impossible decisions to make. Luckily there are wild green spaces out there to run through, pointy stones, mossy paths, singing birds, newborn green flowers... the real part of the real world is the only cure to my system-hating illness, I guess. (Jan 16, 2011)

Out there, far, beyond the sea, there is a light that moves. It wouldn't naturally move, but now it does. It smells like what you love and it swings like a cradle. And it's contagious. (May 1, 2011)

Should I go back down the ladder, regressing at my previous, low being, or should I try and go up even if, without that distant light, I can't see where I'm headed?

Sorry for the heavy and serious entry. I just need to choose who I want to become, or try and make the different parts of me get along with each other. (Jun 8, 2009)

Imperator Nullius Terrae

Autunno

S’arrossano le foglie sui meli

si coprono di mani i sentieri:

mani d’albero morte.

 

Autunno

Parla d’inverno l’aria livida e bianca

ma nel contempo la rugiada bugiarda

dice che arriva l’estate.

 

Autunno

Quanti anni ho camminato su di te

sul tappeto giallo-verde dell’erba

caldo stendardo della vita che passa.

 

Autunno

Con i tuoi fiori appassiti o già secchi

opachi, bianchi petali, unici specchi

ti sussurrano: invecchi.

 

M’inganni

Con la tua coltre di brughiera frizzante

abisso caldo all’occhio distante

mentre annunci la morte al passante.

 

Ricordi?

Quante volte ho cantato su di te

ma la mia ombra si fa sempre più curva

mentre il tuo braccio s’allunga.

 

Autunno

Tu vessillo della vita che cade

amato, odiato, pittoresco custode

della vita che passa.

 

Un tempo

ero giovane e pestavo il tuo suolo

in forte corsa, un sorriso sul viso

che ora è volto indeciso.

 

M’hai ucciso

Colorasti la mia infanzia di giallo

E di quel verde tu sei ancora il vessillo

Ma sa di cenere il mio tempo restante.

 

Autunno

Credevo ancora che tu mi proteggessi

ma io, te gli altri: siamo gli stessi

cullati e spenti dalla legge della Terra.

 

T’illudi

se credi in una magia che riporti

ai tempi ancora le umili ragazze

che condussero al tempio per sposarle.

Though this ain't nothing to do with the Beatles lyrics, but with an extremely fragile and thin path that starts from my chest and leads... West, as it always has to be. At the beginning it is Yellow, then it becomes Red and Green. I follow the Sun and it leads me West.

First, there is the Deep Blue Sea, that I secretly love. Will I be the ship that shall take my body where my soul lingers? Oh, please; give me a sailor and a weeping wooden boat. Let me be tired and become one with the salt and the sun and the horizon. Let me learn patience and courage so that I am ready.

Otherwise, I should be asking: have the wings already begun to grow from my back? I often lie awake in the day, I often lie awake in the night, and there is a chaos dancing in my belly. It dances and it gives me a strange kind of feeling, it scrathes my body from the inside, calling something to be awake and ready. Could it be? Are the wings already springing from my back? Am I being born again as the Condor, as the Owl?
During the Day, I sing with the voice of the Condor to the Sun.
At Night, I sing with the voice of the Owl to the Moon.

When my feet are light enough to run and dance on a thin wire - which is very long, which is hanging across the ocean and has been hanging there for a long time - I will sing out all the Red from my chest, running fast to catch the Yellow Sun as it sinks where my soul already lingers.
    First, it will be Red. The ground, the air, the wind. Then, I will be Red. My singing scream of joy and completion will tear my skin apart, rip it to shreds, and all the shreds of my old skin will disappear with the wind and feed new generations. Then, all the Red that I'll have sung out of my chest will cover me as a cocoon would and Red will be my new skin.
  Later, it will be Green. The wind and my legs will take me South during the night. Green will shine with water and the sweat of the Earth at the crack of dawn. Gold will I eat and breathe, golden Green of the wisest and liveliest life of all. I will settle down where the books I have held in my hands and written in my mind are real. I will settle down and raise, with my new skin in my new home, as long as it lasts, as long as it lasts, before also the last pieces of truth and beauty and honesty and greatness and wisdom will be erased

I can't see any further.  



What is this? Drug vision? No. I see my path, for the first time, clear as the water of the river that has known no man. I see it, in the real world, in the realest world, and I start walking.

XXX

Happy New Sun, for I hadn't wished it to you yet.

University and Bologna have taken me away from my tablet for months, so excuse me for never updating. I swear I'm not giving myself to other websites (except for the obvious occasional relationship with Facebook). Now I can draw again for two hours a day, because I'm home studying for exams :/ First one is Geology. And it's really huge. Yay.

However, as usual when I'm trapped in my house with the hard studying thing I have no contacts with real world (except for family, garden and sometimes woods and fields) so I'm in fandom mode. Last January it was Kim Possible. This year I'm very happy it's the Lord of the Rings again. And I knew it, because I had been waiting for the Hobbit movie since when the LOTR was in theaters :/ (I was waiting for ONE movie though, not three ) Peter is a god and Sauron is even more even if - I swear - show me some more Morgoth/Sauron or Melkor/Mairon slash and I'm gonna blow the web up until everybody gives him the respect he deserves.
And I'm one who liked yaoi. I'm quite a perverted and twisted fan of everything. The more twisted pics and fics usually enjoy me. But when you talk about Sauron, you have to be careful. He came before the slash and the yaoi and the fics and even the pictures. Therefore he's untouchable.

Don't judge me for this, it's an infinite servant's love to the first Dark Lord of her life. I swear I'm amoral and I love you all! I just needed to tell something because I'm actually living between Mordor and Geology books these days and I'm totally UNSTABLE---



Ah! It's cool to see that Dwarves are finally getting their bunch of explosive love in our world and in the web. I'm not going to draw any though, not motivated. I'm sorry to say that I especially dislike Thorin, since the books. Can't help it, and this doesn't mean I don't recognize his honor and do not respect him. However, the only dwarf I might be drawing is Thrain in Dol Guldur. No happy thing. I'd like to try and draw Manwe and Varda though, before this period in Middle Earth ends.



One more thing. I finally finished reading Steve Alten's Phobos: Mayan Fear. I'm so glad I did! When Lilith was killed I almost had an orgasm. I hated her so much, I was so much disgusted by her that every breath she took was poison to me. Many characters in that series disgust me. I'll write more about this later XD